I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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