The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
