You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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