I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
