As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
