I showed him my bush... on skype.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
