We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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