I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
