I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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