The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
