If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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