I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
