I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
