That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
