I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
