and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
