i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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