Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
