My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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