I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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