I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize