Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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