the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
