i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
