I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
