i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
