Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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