This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
