Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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