I showed him my bush... on skype.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
