Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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