If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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