Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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