i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he thought i was a dude.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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