He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
