I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
