Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
