Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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