Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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