You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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