that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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