I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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