the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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