I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
