nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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