HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
