Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
