My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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