I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
