So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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