I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
