I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
