remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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