How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
