I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
