I just pynch a tree in the face
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
