I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This is my gift to your gina
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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