Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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