my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
