and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
