anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just want to make out with him forever
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
